gameday texts: week 3

Full disclosure: I didn't see much of Saturday night's romp over North Texas because I was on the road, and I have yet to watch much of the replay. I'll attempt to have some analysis at some point, but frankly I think it's time we start thinking about Arkansas (the line opened at 12.5!). Anyway, here are the gameday texts, many of which encapsulate what analysis there is to be had. As always, the messages are presented as they appear on my phone — complete with time stamp — and all are [sic]d. You might find it offensive, but come on. And with that, please to enjoy.

Halcombe (6:31 a.m.) Apparently Joe Mauer forgot to dry his hair following his latest shower with Head and Shoulders, hence the pneumonia. 

Halcombe (6:41 a.m.) Kids grow overnigt. And when they do, they're ready for Goodnites. Wtf? Use the G-D toilet for crying out loud.

Pedro (8:57 a.m.) Showing Tech & a pointless Alabama game? FSS, you have won my heart. For this week, at least. And until I hear what morons you send for color on those games


Dad (10:36 a.m.) Good physicality

Dad (10:39 a.m.) Sign at Grown Folks "fir grown and sexy folks — fried chicken livers and gizzards"

Me (11:14 a.m.) Stan White, verbatim: "I think the offense has had a little bit more success than the defense."
Rob (11:15 a.m.) Stan white got hit in the head a lot

Maguire (11:15 a.m.) I wonder if he actually sells insurance, or if gullible aubs just buy it from him because he was their QB.

Maguire (11:48 a.m.) One of the ESPN guys at the Clemson/aub game just said "on today."

Rob (12:00 p.m.) Erin about trotter look at his mustache queer

Maguire (1:26 p.m.) Does Trotter have a porn 'stache?

Me (1:10 p.m.) /makes joke about Auburn's defense

Dad (1:20 p.m.) Can I still aubie and three and a half?

Me (1:25 p.m.) I know this is a bad time, but ... Vandy!

Maguire (1:29 p.m.) If this holds in Nashville, there should be a decent RebelBear meltdown for our enjoyment on Tuesday.

Rob (1:41 p.m.) Never a bad time for candy

Rob (1:41 p.m.) Candy

Rob (1:41 p.m.) Vandy damn auto correct

Pedro (1:27 p.m.) There's a player for Tech who has rushed the ball 4 times. He has gained 150 yards. His name is Orwin. That is all

Me (1:46 p.m.) I'll still take Auburn & 3.5.

Jamie (1:47 p.m.) You forget ted roof is involved

Rob (1:55 p.m.) Well I wouldn't bet on either defense

Dad (1:48 p.m.) Penn State a little lethargic today?
Pedro (2:15 p.m.) One fun part of inter-conference play: becoming a fan of your vanquished opponent in order to make you look better. Way to pull it out, Penn State.

Bart (2:15 p.m.) #15 for Clemson is awful. 

Me (2:16 p.m.) That's a pretty nice friggin undefeated run.

Jamie (2:17 p.m.) Lucky as shit

Me (2:17 p.m.) No shame in that.
Zach (2:18 p.m.) Yeah. Especially without playing any defense the entire streak.
Jamie (2:19 p.m.) 3 years of terrible defense. I guess we will need another superman to compete for a championship. No excuse defense this bad. D was horrid last year, we won in spite.

Me (2:18 p.m.) Houston may be fired before he leaves the field today.
Pedro (2:25 p.m.) Could be the first time in history the president has the team's bus greeted by a pomped homecoming float announcing the coach's firing.

Dad (2:27 p.m.) Dare go dabo

Rob (2:32 p.m.) It's a god thing

Me (2:27 p.m.) As an aside, what on earth has happened in the Ga. Tech game? Been watching the score crawl by.

Pedro (2:29 p.m.) 6 drives of 30 seconds or less makes the score go up

Me (2:35 p.m.) Time for CBS to plug in Verne & Gary ...

Rob (2:36 p.m.) They still alive?

Jamie (2:36 p.m.) I like gary

Dad (2:39 p.m.) Tracey!!

Pedro (2:34 p.m.) Only Vandy could get penalized in the Victory formation.

Pedro (2:37 p.m.) "Worst band uniforms ever. They deserve the name unis."

Dad (2:42 p.m.) Pouncey not starting for the tenth year in a row?

Whit (2:50 p.m.) From price — Two things ... we need to fire ted roof and spend about two weeks learning how to tackle ... roll eagle

Me (3:10 p.m.) Based on Dabo's postgame prayer, God decided he was tired of Auburn, too.

Dad (3:11 p.m.) ... oooo

Me (3:39 p.m.) Some days I miss when you were actually allowed to play football.
Moody (3:41 p.m.) Yeah. It's still better than soccer. We are down in monroeville. After the AU outing, I decided to come and try to shoot some doves. So far, it's warm and birdless.

Me (3:53 p.m.) I feel like Muschamp would beat Dooley in a fight.
Dad (3:54 p.m.) Sorta like 2 mules ...

Maguire (3:54 p.m.) I bet he fights dirty, though.

Jamie (3:54 p.m.) Dooley would sue him
Moody (3:55 p.m.) How cool would it be if the head coaches had a no rules fight the first 5 minutes of halftime at midfield. I bet saban would kill a few folks.
Moody (3:55 p.m.) And I bet the anti-"kitty cat" coach fromt he carolinas can fight too.
Rob (3:56 p.m.) Dunno Dooley looks scrappy

Rob (3:56 p.m.) Although muschamp would probably go for the nuts

Pedro (4:23 p.m.) I think Muschamp is trying to see how he'd do in a fight with some of the refs.

Pedro (4:25 p.m.) Ya think Muschamp & Dooley will come out of half with matching orange pants? That'd be, well, news.

Rob (4:35 p.m.) Umm Syracuse still plays football

Halcombe (5:06 p.m.) Bad headline option: Midshipmen take it to Cocks

Halcombe (5:31 p.m.) I thought Notre Dame was playing Mich. St? How are they beating SC?

Halcombe (5:32 p.m.) Oh, and I know what you're thinking, and no I'm not pairing "Seamen" and "Cocks." You're just immature.

Halcombe (5:42 p.m.) Scripted response for any Navy opponent: This offense is difficult to prepare for.

Halcombe (5:50 p.m.) Cue the "There goes the season" pouting for Spurrier and the Cock Nation. That didn't sound right.

Whit (6:25 p.m.) Navy!!!

Halcombe (6:42 p.m.) The ole' ball coach forgot his polident. Those dentures are mighty stained.

Audra (7:05 p.m.) Boomer

Halcombe (7:12 p.m.) Spurrier: Not only am I a spokesman for the Hair Club for Men (removes visor), I'm also a member.

Halcombe (7:16 p.m.) You have to try pretty hard to keep Mark May from looking like an a$$. Coach Lou, bravo. Bravo.

Halcombe (7:58 p.m.) Cocks kill Seamen chances late. Couldn't help it. 

Maguire (7:30 p.m.) Asshole behind me: "Come on, line, block! They ain't gon' block, A.J. ain't in there."

Dad (7:48 p.m.) O line still pretty bad

Me (8:15 p.m.) OL remains objectively terrible. Afraid it's going to cost us an important game.

Rob (8:21 p.m.) Cyrus needs to be left tackle and jones moved back to guard

Pedro (8:23 p.m.) "No doubt it's gonna cost us a game. N. Texas is getting pocket pressure." Was Joe Pendry that good? Or are they holding out for strippers from Jeff Stoutland?

Me (8:32 p.m.) Wait — why did A.J. not just cover the ball? Just to be safe?

Rob (8:35 p.m.) Offense is suspect next week should be interesting

Dad (8:50 p.m.) IT'S THIRD DOWN

Pedro (8:50 p.m.) Amanda wants it to be noted that, because she'd been talking about North Texas avoiding penalties, she caused that last delay of game penalty

Dad (9:03 p.m.) Almost inept on offense.

Jack (9:47 p.m.) The espn announcer just used "aplomb." The game hasn't even started yet ...

Me (9:54 p.m.) Also an epic Mormon battle b/t Utah & BYU on ESPN2.

Jack (9:55 p.m.) Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb

Jamie (9:59 p.m.) From 02-07 worst au defense finished ranked 15th. Under Roof we have gone 68th, 60th and currently are 111th at best. 76% 3rd down conversion rate by our opponents. 39/51 3rd downs have resulted in 1st downs. That is video game like.

Audra (10:04 p.m.) Khristale said this is the loudest and most hyper she has seen me — I told her I was high on sooner endorphins ... soonernorphs

Me (10:06 p.m.) And alcohol.

Me (10:03 p.m.) That pump & go look familiar?

Me (10:08 p.m.) And no, Pitbull, I will not "have a real good time."
Audra (10:09 p.m.) see if I would have known earlier in life that all I needed was a avg. body and looks with an awesome ability to rap to make millions ... I wouldve been Comanche Candy

Dad (10:09 p.m.) Boomer just won the game

Me (10:09 p.m.) If it makes you feel any better, AU wasn't the worst defense today: Kansas gave up 700 vs. Ga. Tech.

Jamie (10:12 p.m.) It doesn't, but thanks. 

Me (10:31 p.m.) That's a nice W.
Audra (10:32 p.m.) It was a good game

Maguire (10:46 p.m.) 3-0. Roll Tide.