gameday texts: Bourbon Street edition

Once more for football season, we welcome you back to "Gameday Texts," a long-running open thread of the best text messages from arguably the most hilarious group of friends and family anywhere. For this edition, we're going all the way back to Saturday morning, and continuing all the way through sometime early Tuesday. As with every edition of this blog, each message appears exactly as it does on my phone, complete with timestamp. As with any edition of "Texts," understand that some may be offensive and mildly vulgar. Please to enjoy.

Saturday

Dad (7:55 a.m.) You so cool!
me (8:18 a.m.) Good morning from the Zombie Apocalypse Preview. Or, the French Quarter before 10 a.m.

me (9:04 a.m.) Creepy Guy Who Wears All-Black While Walking Bourbon Street at 9 a.m. don't give a sh-t, either.
Rob (9:08 a.m.) Go to far on bourbon and lots of people don't give a shit
Whit (9:19 a.m.) I bet he's an excellent drinking buddy. Buy him one.
Whit (9:19 a.m.) Also, please don't forget that it's the third hurricane that has the alcohol.

me (10:06 a.m.) The Bluetooth sure has made it harder to identify insane people.
Maguire (10:12 a.m.) This is true. I've been fooled by those more than once.

me (11:43 a.m.) The T.R. Miller High School marching band just played a set in Jackson Square. I have no explanation.
Rob (11:44 a.m.) U need a drink

Halcombe (3:42 p.m.) Women's hoops? ... NFL playoffs? I'm torn.

Halcombe (3:58 p.m.) The Pro Bowl. Watch the NFL's best, except for the absolute best who will be playing a week later, square off in Hawaii. Only on NBC.

me (4:41 p.m.) More impressive to me is Bum Phillips. There's no way he's still alive.
Halcombe (5:18 p.m.) His head is in one of those Futurama floating glass jars like Tricky Dick.

Halcombe (6:03 p.m.) Kubiak has his challenge flag in his back pocket like a hankerchief poised to be slapped out for an old-fashioned duel. Straight Hamilton-Burr style yo.

Pedro (6:17 p.m.) To hell with Georgia

Dad (7:00 p.m.) Vertical passing means he throws the ball straight up?
Halcombe (7:04 p.m.) According to the NFL on NBC intro, Faith Hill is the same height as Eli, Ray Lewis and Hines Ward. My wife also added her legs "are fake. There's no muscles."

me (6:54 p.m.) What frat did Matt Stafford pledge?
Whit (6:55 p.m.) Sigma Douche
Whit (6:55 p.m.) That or delta iota kappa ... dik

Maguire (6:56 p.m.) Probably TKE!
Halcombe (7:10 p.m.) Stafford guaranteeing a beer funnel and tequila shot party at his crib if Megatron catches two or more TDs. Notice "win" appears nowhere in that statement.

Rob (7:17 p.m.) Guess sae not 100% though

Jamie (7:53 p.m.) Talla Dega

Halcombe (7:25 p.m.) Ndamakung Suh wearing Forever Lazy tonight so he can drop trou and leave a steaming pile at midfield. "Blank yo Katrina. Blank yo Bourbon St. Blank yo donuts."

me (8:06 p.m.) There was a Chizik sighting at Mulate's. That is all. 

Jamie (8:07 p.m.) I guess that's why we have no coordinator's and losing recruits

Maguire (8:08 p.m.) Just now?! Did you ask him to smile so you could see his alleged teeth?

Jamie (8:09 p.m.) There is someone selling booze literally out of a hole in the wall on bourbon st. It is cheap. Go there.

me (8:59 p.m.) Mark May sighting!
Maguire (9:00 p.m.) No Dr. Lou?
Maguire (9:00 p.m.) Ask him where his daddy is!
Halcombe (9:00 p.m.) Tell him I look at his college mug on the 1980 Kodiak All-America poster in our office John
Dad (9:00 p.m.) He got big head

Sunday
Whit (12:44 p.m.) Football verne lundquist & basketball verne lundquist
Whit (12:53 p.m.) The word pseudo penetration was just used ...

me (1:02 p.m.) There are creepy people in the French market selling the exact same masks that have served as key plot points in horror movies.
Halcombe (1:04 p.m.) If your wife falls in love with a strange cat in the Chinese shop, don't buy it. Or, at least don't feed it after midnight.

Halcombe (3:22 p.m.) Oh damn, here goes another ill-placed Giants' Super Bowl run. They stopped a Niners' three-peat, played awful game vs. Ravens and ended an undefeated season.

me (4:35 p.m.) Apparently if you drink enough Coors Light, you see a miniature former NFL coach, screaming at you.
Maguire (4:50 p.m.) That's what you deserve for drinking a lot of Coors Light.

Halcombe (4:37 p.m.) Anyone considered the possibility Denver may win the game?

Halcombe (5:56 p.m.) James Harrison is whispering to every would-be tackle, "I'll yo children's legs like fried chicken b*tches."

Dad (6:18 p.m.) This is so embarrassing. They got me on the bottom of the pyramid.

me (6:47 p.m.) Tonight our waiter looks like the guy who sang "The Humpty Dance."

Halcombe (7:32 p.m.) What Tebow will say: I want to thank God and my teammates. What Tebow will be thinking: Eff you. Eff you. Eff you. And ... yes, eff you.

Whit (7:48 p.m.) Tebow wins again ...

Jamie (7:57 p.m.) John Elway probably thinks to himself that his organization was set back 5 years today.

me (8:31 p.m.) Suppose I told you we're in the Pat O's courtyard. And the real live LSU marching band just showed up. You wouldn't believe me, I bet.
me (8:32 p.m.) Currently leading us all in a rousing rendition of "Hey Fightin Tigers."

Whit (8:32 p.m.) That's still cool

Halcombe (8:35 p.m.) And you go, "Ra. Ra. Piss off LS-Poo."
Jamie (8:45 p.m.) Then take your tiger baiting with a sense of humor, I guess.
Jamie (8:46 p.m.) Or you probably have time to make it to mobile for the second half of the godaddy.com bowl, if you choose

Monday

Melissa Hughey (1:51 p.m.) We left with our hurricanes! ROLL TIDE!
me (2:26 p.m.) Careful with those — the 3rd one usually has all the alcohol.
me (2:26 p.m.) Roll Tide.

Halcombe (5:44 p.m.) Chip Kelly's analysis on LSU: This is how they kicked our ass.

Halcombe (6:06 p.m.) Rinaldi, please don't try to humanize Saban. Even 'Bama fans know he's a dick.

Dad (6:26 p.m.) Bama has no sot. They should just get back on the bus ... ok, that's out of the way

Halcombe (7:00 p.m.) Is Brent wearing a sweater vest? Is he? Is he? The suspense is killing me.

Pedro (7:11 p.m.) "The guy who did the least coaching wins this game" — your wisdom from Lee Corso
Pedro (7:15 p.m.) Chizik refused to pick, Chip Kelly picked Oregon, Corso picks LSU

me (7:27 p.m.) In lieu of the actual president, tonight Pres. David Palmer from "24" will flip.
Travis P (7:39 p.m.) CTU in the house?
Pedro (7:43 p.m.) Keep your eye out for the sniper being tracked by Jack Bauer. Things may get ugly around that guy

Rob (7:51 p.m.) Yeah pulled a hamy on the return doubt he will be back based on his reaction.
Travis P (7:53 p.m.) Not a stinger then. Fbomb.
Maguire (7:59 p.m.) They're not saying anything yet, but he was walking normally when they showed him a minute ago
Pedro (8:05 p.m.) Rinaldi said that the training staff had described Maze as questionable, but then said "it looks like that question got answered" as Maze ran out

me (8:05 p.m.) Last 2 opponents for these guys dominated early & lost late. Not good enough.
Rob (8:06 p.m.) Yeah but they didn't have our defense
Travis P (8:11 p.m.) Debbie downer. Stop it

me (8:16 p.m.) Annnnnd ... we lose. Again. Goddammit.
Rob (8:17 p.m.) Yeah not good
D. Hardin (8:17 p.m.) Yep game over
Travis P (8:17 p.m.) GD. Will. Get your ass some optimism juice NOW. I will pay you back.

Rob (8:18 p.m.) Miss van tiffin

Whit (8:19 p.m.) That's the spirit! Your favorite team is leading the national championship. Enjoy it and pull your head out of your patootie.

Rob (8:32 p.m.) Yay field goals

Rob (8:44 p.m.) Honey badger got worked by Trent
me (8:48 p.m.) Couldn't have been in position for that kick without #7 being an idiot & trying to get on Sportscenter. Thanks, Tyrone!

Jonathan Page (8:49 p.m.) Christ, my heart can't take this shit.
Rob (8:49 p.m.) He is weak against good competition
Rob (8:50 p.m.) Just don't throw near claibourme!
Rob (8:50 p.m.) And yay football!

me (8:54 p.m.) Not sure how we lose this unless we give it away.
Rob (8:55 p.m.) Careful lsu did this against uga
Rob (8:55 p.m.) Gotta keep the pedal down
Rob (8:55 p.m.) Don't get conservative and run Trent run!
me (8:54 p.m.) Then again, I'm an idiot.
Rob (8:56 p.m.) It's ok I am 6 beers in and have a bucket of them next to me so soon I Wil be an idiot!
Maguire (8:56 p.m.) Nah. We're dominating then more than we did in November. Got to keep it up, though.

Pedro (9:00 p.m.) SEC just ran an ad highlighting previous 5 BCS championship games won by SEC schools. Showed highlights of each, ended the ad with "YOU'RE WATCHING NUMBER SIX"

Pedro (9:13 p.m.) Marquis was torn up on the sideline. He ain't coming back.

Rob (9:23 p.m.) Tick tock!!
Rob (9:25 p.m.) Wind that bitch!
Dad (9:25 p.m.) Need points!
D. Hardin (9:26 p.m.) It has to go faster run clock run!!!

Whit (9:37 p.m.) Moseleys knee no longer intact. Leg was turned the wrong way entirely. Prayers.
D. Hardin (9:38 p.m.) Sad ... Career ender there

Whit (9:42 p.m.) It was pretty gruesome. He had all his weight on that leg and was but leg stayed in the ground
Whit (9:43 p.m.) Definitely dislocated

me (9:43 p.m.) Let's hear it for white guys on D!

Whit (9:44 p.m.) All right! Yay for hard work!!
Rob (9:46 p.m.) Gentry!!!!!

me (9:51 p.m.) We should at least consider the possibility that our team is trolling us. 

Jonathan Page (9:52 p.m.) Most FGs in a BCS game. WTF!

Jonathan Page (9:53 p.m.) Damn your use of the word 'trolling'

Whit (9:54 p.m.) Mccarron sitting and getting treated for cramps ... and other pms symptoms

Whit (9:56 p.m.) Also ... 4th quarter ... can we finish? (ross perot voice)

me (10:06 p.m.) Hello, 7. I'm the guy you clubbed upside the head 3 months ago. And this is for you.

Rob (10:06 p.m.) U better be tweaking ur nipples right now!!
Jonathan Page (10:06 p.m.) Clock. Move. Faster. (I might puke)
Dad (10:07 p.m.) Start the clock!
Maguire (10:16 p.m.) Mandy says they should call #7 the Honey Beaver.

me (10:15 p.m.) Well then.

Jonathan Page (10:16 p.m.) Roll Tide!!
Jamie (10:16 p.m.) Best defense in my lifetime. 92 couldn't hold this teams jock. I know that's sacrilege around your parts.
Whit (10:16 p.m.) Saban ... ver batim — ball ball ball that's our ball. That's it baby. That's it.
Maguire (10:21 p.m.) YES SIR!

Whit (10:21 p.m.) Haha so now we have a regular score but only one td

Jonathan Page (10:23 p.m.) Damn it Shelley!

Rob (10:23 p.m.) Tell honey badger he is a Bitch

Dad (10:31 p.m.) Congrats! RTR!
Jonathan Page (10:33 p.m.) That's 14 National Championships!! Roll Tide!!

Maguire (10:33 p.m.) ROLL TIDE! Here's to our 14th national championship. So proud of these boys!

Jonathan Page (10:34 p.m.) Am I buying the replay on iTunes tomorrow. You bet I am.

Whit (10:37 p.m.) Saban really excited. Welcomed gatorade shower. He's kinda pink now
Rob (10:37 p.m.) This is the part where u get crunk!

Pedro (10:40 p.m.) Remember the last time LSU was shut out? We were there. 2002

Travis P (11:01 p.m.) Tiger bait!!!!!
Pedro (11:14 p.m.) Since 1970, Alabama playing LSU in Louisiana is 17-4-1

me (10:46 p.m.) Aw, please stop talking, 41.
Rob (10:47 p.m.) It's ok eufaula!

Mama (10:55 p.m.) The difference was ... I was cheering for them!

Jamie (11:46 p.m.) Congrats by the way

me (12:00 a.m.) LSU still has not crossed the 50.
Maguire (12:01 a.m.) No they haven't!

me (12:07 a.m.) Who's more fired up to have the "14" helmet on the set: John Parker or Tyler Watts?
Jonathan Page (12:25 a.m.) JP, that douche