Sunday, October 16, 2011

gameday texts: week 7

Welcome back to "Gameday Texts," a compilation of my favorite text messages from friends and family on a football Saturday. As always, all messages appear here exactly as they do in my phone, and all are [sic]d. Also as always, please be advised that some material may be a tad offensive. Enjoy.

Me (9:05 a.m.) Good news: If we can get someone from Big & Rich to call the president Hitler on television, we can end this forever. 
Maguire (10:53 a.m.) Just get them to use a "term of endearment" with Cowboy Troy while their mics are still on.

Dad (11:30 a.m.) Kri-muh kree! Kri-muh kree!

Me (1:26 p.m.) State & Carolina playing the ugliest game since ... um, Auburn & Carolina.

D. Hardin (1:28 p.m.) Ummmmm ... you know .. that is a great comparison!! Freaking awful

Me (2:03 p.m.) State plus 3 looks great right now.

Jamie (2:09 p.m.) Watch football? Why do that when you can walk around magic kingdom all day?
Jamie (2:13 p.m.) Also, I realize I have put on weight since college but the amount of morbidly obese people at disney world rivals that of a fried butter eating contest.

Dad (2:29 p.m.) This exactly how bama's games will go with ole miss and state ... win butt ugly
Maguire (2:31 p.m.) And the folks from here in the Grove are amused.
Me (2:39 p.m.) Carolina takes safety on final play. Meaning? State covers. 
Maguire (2:40 p.m.) #Vegasconspiracy
Whit (2:40 p.m.) Ohhhhh some where somebody is cursing those two points and running for their lives

Dad (2:31 p.m.) With Dr. Pepper ... have a real good time

Me (2:34 p.m.) And they, they lowdown. They dirty. They some snitches.

Me (2:38 p.m.) Matt Simms changed his number. Savvy.

Jamie (2:40 p.m.) But that damn snap the ball to him thing gives away his position every time.

Me (2:55 p.m.) Verne: "We might have another flag here ... No we don't. No we don't."
Whit (2:56 p.m.) Honey badger or mad hatter? Worst nickname? And which one do you think you'll hear more about today?

Whit (3:03 p.m.) I hate tennessee but I like derek dooley. Any man who can coach from the sidelines with those pants on has got to be cool.
Me (3:03 p.m.) This Jarrett Lee looks like the Jarrett Lee I recognize.

Jamie (3:04 p.m.) So far my under looks happy.

Halcombe (3:06 p.m.) I'm watching GSU-Furman. And yes I hate Furman ... ergo I hate Guy Cochran ... ergo I hate Friendly Gus chicken? I'm confused by my own psycho-babble.

Whit (3:21 p.m.) Why is gary giving the name of the official right after he misses a call? Kinda messed up

Me (3:41 p.m.) When Verne says that Jordan Jefferson gives LSU "a facet Lee does not," what means is "He is black."
Pedro (3:41 p.m.) I miss the Watts/Zow tandem when announcers tried to make that statement but failed repeatedly. "Zow's the better runner ...."

Dad (3:42 p.m.) Aflet-asizzum
D. Hardin (3:43 p.m.) And can run fast due to that "fast twitch muscle thing" and he is black

Me (3:55 p.m.) Man, Phil Simms is gonna be FURIOUS with what people say about his kid after today.

Whit (3:56 p.m.) Neither receiver on those last two picks saw the ball.

Halcombe (5:15 p.m.) Wonder if Dooley's mama will call into the radio next week and go, "My bad. My son's team sucks. Even Vince thinks so."?

Jamie (3:58 p.m.) After 7.5 consecutive hours of disney bliss, I am in room, alone, with booze. The price of victory is high, but so are the rewards.

Maguire (4:30 p.m.) Ole Miss's #57 is freaking HUGE.

Me (4:55 p.m) Question we all want to ask Peyton: "Tell the truth — Eli is a mama's boy, right?"

Me (5:08 p.m.) Off to a roaring start once again.

Maguire (5:21 p.m.) Ole Miss band plays Katy Perry's "Firework." I wholeheartedly approve.

Pedro (5:24 p.m.) Eli just called deuce mccalister fat.

Halcombe (5:29 p.m.) The Bayou Bengal fight song sounds like a dog ate a mole, teeth and all, then took a crap. And as it was crapping, a tooth caught its rear and made it howl. Yep

Me (5:35 p.m.) IT'S THIRD DOWN

Dad (5:54 p.m.) Holy Cross got Dartmouth today.

Me (6:09 p.m.) Courtney Upshaw still plays for this team, right?

Jamie (6:36 p.m.) Attention espn. This is a family show. Keeping the audio on mchamp after a bad call is asking for it. 
Jamie (6:36 p.m.) And there it is. Bull sh*t over the airway.

Me (6:48 p.m.) Frankly, when the announcers discuss Trent's lower body in such detail, it creeps me out.
D. Hardin (6:53 p.m.) I hope they are talking about his ankles .. maybe thighs ... but if they head north from there and south of the "mason richardson line" ... Then that is just not right!
Travis P (6:55 p.m.) You get a semi. No need to worry, it's not gay

Dad (6:55 p.m.) Bama is so lucky!

Jamie (7:02 p.m.) Dear darren bates. The ref know you flop worse than ric flair. They are ready for it.

D. Hardin (7:03 p.m.) Wouldn't you hold if you were a lineman for Ole Miss! Refs are protecting the Ole Miss players!

Jamie (7:07 p.m.) Clint Mosely must be the worst qb on the planet
Me (7:08 p.m.) Holy. Smokes.
Dad (7:08 p.m.) That one bust they heart.
Maguire (7:09 p.m.) That was a work of art.

D. Hardin (7:10 p.m.) I retract my earlier statement! I am now talking about Richardson lower body! His footwork that is!

Kendra (7:12 p.m.) Is there anything more ridiculous-looking in college football than the Gator chomp?

Halcombe (7:18 p.m.) Houston Nutt making a game of it I see.

Me (7:19 p.m.) Mark Jones, unedited: "I had a lot of pork on my fork last night."
D. Hardin (7:20 p.m.) A little Pork Forkin'

Me (7:24 p.m.) May have to shorten the 4th to 8 minutes.
D. Hardin (7:25 p.m.) Time for 2nd string
Maguire (7:25 p.m.) Josh and i are going down to the locker room to suit up.
Dad (7:25 p.m.) Like junior high ... run the clock!
Jamie (7:51 p.m.) For the black bears sake, I hope they don't have any decent recruits at the game.

D. Hardin (7:38 p.m.) Lesson here, "Don't run between the tackles against Alabama." Well said.

Maguire (8:12 p.m.) 7-0. Roll Tide.

Jamie (8:07 p.m.) If you're not watching au florida just think back to the last 2A high school game you watched and there you have it.
Me (8:11 p.m.) Think C-USA just tried to annex Florida AND Auburn.

Jamie (8:09 p.m.) Have no idea why we don't go frazier and just don't throw.
Jamie (8:10 p.m.) Can't throw anyway might as well have an inside outside threat.

Halcombe (8:19 p.m.) A bunch of white biomedical engineers are high fiving and using words like "The bomb diggity" after that Vandy return TD.

Halcombe (8:28 p.m.) Mark Martin is in the godaddy tonight. Sure they're working up his "kinda nekked if you go to the web" unrated commercial.

Jamie (9:06 p.m) Fact only an idiot au fan would know: the last 3 times florida has played in jordan hare, the florida punter has dropped a perfect snap, resulting in either a bad punt, blocked punt, or knee down by punter. 2001, 2006, 2011.

Dad (9:34 p.m.) That ol' punkin orange ... and I hate punkins.

No comments: